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“Beer OK,” I replied in English, and he disappeared behind a curtain, like a wizard.

When he reappeared, there was a magical beverage, and when he set it down, he asked again, “Can you read the menu?

or: Today I saw this white guy, spoke English, and he was a complete a-hole. I got to the restaurant first, a little in my neighborhood I’d been dying to try out.

They’re either going home to tell their parents, Today I saw this white guy, spoke English, and he was awesome! Which was true, and in fact I’d made plans with a friend for dinner, a Chinese-American guy from New Jersey named Kurtis.

“There’s ‘lunch,’ and ‘snack,’ and ‘juice,’ and ‘cola,’ and ‘milk,’ and ‘hot’ and ‘cash on delivery,’ and .

.” the taxi driver joined in, “and ‘shoot,’ and ‘play,’ and ‘team’ .

I mean, is it really all right to publicly single people out? Those two always don’t coincide, but hey, you still gotta have goals. The place was empty—-it was still early—-and the owner walked out to greet me.

Now, on the one hand, I don’t want to encourage them. So I said “hello” back, because although my objective for 2014 is to improve my Japanese, my other objective is not to be such a complete a-hole. There was a sign out front saying “Open for Business” in Japanese, so in I went.

The thing is, you can live in Japan and almost never get this gaijin treatment, if you avoid the neighborhoods and stay in the city centers. Don’t leave your chopsticks sticking out of your rice. So while you’re thinking, behaving, speaking, and eating just like everybody else, you’re overlooking the glaring fact that you don’t look the same.